articles

What they are made out of: STDs vs. metal.
Hos: They may look like your average, skankier person, but the three main parts of a ho are tits, ass, and STDs.

Hoes: Although hoes come in different shapes and sizes like hos, they are all made up basically the same way. Hoes have a piece of metal at the tip for the blade and also a long handle. The blade is made up of metal, while the handle can be made up of wood, fiberglass, or more metal so you will not get splinters while at work.

The sounds they make when you pimp slap them. Whimpering vs. clanking.
Hos: if you pimp slap a ho, you might hear some screaming, yelping, yelling, and even a whimper. If the ho falls down, there may also be a thud.

Hoes: Unlike what Soulja Boy thinks, if you pimp slap a hoe, you will most likely hear some clanking, and not a wha-psh-like sound. If the hoe falls down, there may also be a thud.

What they are used for: Fucking vs. gardening.
Hos: Although Webster has a definition for a ho, I like the one from urbandictionary.com better. It says that a ho is “A whore. A woman who uses her body, or gives the impression that her mark can be intimate with her, for material gain or to boost her own ego.” Basically, a ho will use her body to get something out of you, whether it’s just to get a new purse or to say she that she did it with you (but only if you are important).

Hoes: According to Wikipedia, hoes are used to (1) agitate the surface of the soil around plants, to remove weeds, (2) pile soil around the base of plants (hilling), (3) create narrow furrows (drills) and shallow trenches for planting seeds and bulbs, and (4) generally dig and move soil (e.g. harvesting potatoes), and chop weeds, roots and crop residues.

Your chances of picking up a disease: AIDs vs. Tetanus
Hos: Some hos have some common sense; they wrap it before the pack it, however, others don’t. Sure, some STDs are curable, but others aren’t. Besides, you don’t want your genitals to feel like they are on fire even if it’s only for a few days, anyway. Even if you get something that won’t kill you, like herpes, your occasional flare-ups aren’t going to attract any new partners, even if you are on Valtrex.

Hoes: While you are tending to your garden on a nice spring day, and the sun is out to play, make sure you don’t slice yourself with your dirty, rusty hoe, or you may end up needing a tetanus shot. That is, unless you want to have muscle spasms in your jaw, hence the name lockjaw.

What they ask from you: Everything vs. nothing.
Hos: A word to the wise: Never give a ho your number, or any information about you, actually. Not even your first name. For all you know, this ho isn’t really a ho at all, and is working with an undercover cop feeding everything you’re telling this firecrotch to the officer after you drop her off. Even if this ho is a ho, then you shouldn’t be giving out your information, anyway. Although you may be a long time customer, that doesn’t make you friends; really, she’s a stranger. You really think her name is actually Cherry? Ha. Well, when Cherry gets into a fight with her pimp, she’s going to hit you up for some money because she knows you have it (which could quite possibly be a scam), or even a place to stay the night since Bruno (that’s the pimp) kicked her out on the street for the night because she talked back to him.

Hoes: Nothing, it’s a fucking hoe and the best thing about them is that they don’t talk. The worst that will happen is that the tag that comes with it will say to occasionally sharpen the blade and to store it in a shed so it doesn’t get rusty.

Legality: Not legal in many places vs. can buy at the store.
Hos: As far as I know, the only place in the country where you can legally obtain a ho is from Nevada and apparently Rhode Island, too.

Hoes: Unlike hos, hoes can be legally purchased. They are sold at a number of home improvement stores including Home Depot and Lowe’s. If you are a fan of gardening, then you can just pick one up the next time you go to your favorite greenhouse to buy some perennials and kill two birds with one stone. I am also willing to bet that you can find some hoes at Target or Walmart, and probably even Costco if you like to buy in bulk.

Price: Depends on the ho vs. depends on the hoe.
Hos: Let’s face it, just because they’re hos, it doesn’t mean they’ll do everything. For example, Julia Roberts; she won’t kiss on the mouth. But if you need to pay someone to makeout with you, then you have some serious problems. Even if there’s no such thing as a classy hooker, there some differences varying on your neighborhood. Or maybe those hos are really just nomads and know how to get around. The more you want from a hooker, though, the more you are going to have to pay. Think of it as a hotel. The nicer it is and the longer you are going to stay in it, the more it’s going to cost you.

Hoes: If you’re just needing to do some weeding on a few pesky dandelions on a Sunday afternoon, then you can just head to Walmart and find a cheap hoe, many of which are ten dollars and under. If you’re a landscaper or a serious gardener, you will want to invest in a good hoe, though. I don’t suggest buying from Solid Cactus, though, because this hoe ( bam ) is more than even your most expensive ho. Maybe it does things a ho wouldn’t want to, I don’t know. One of the pricier hoes I found besides the godly like one previously mentioned ran around a hundred and fifty dollars. That might be the price of a cheap hooker, but at least a good hoe can be reused multiple times and you don’t have to pay for each dig.

Their amount of danger: Dangerous if you don’t pay vs. dangerous if you start swinging.
Hos: If you’re stooping to the level of getting a ho, the least you can do is pay. There’s nothing worse than a guy who won’t even pay for his blow job that he agreed to. If you are thinking about saving a hundred bucks, you might want to watch out. Just because she’s a ho doesn’t mean she’s unarmed. If you managed to get away from the ho with a switchblade, you’ve still got to watch out for Bruno (remember him?), and you don’t want to mess with him.

Hoes: Before you start gardening, make sure you can keep your hoe in check. Take periodic breaks when you begin to get tired or you may end up swinging that thing and hurting someone. You don’t want to be the idiot who has to wear a helmet when he weeds, do you?

In conclusion, if you want to eat out but don’t have enough bones to buy a ho, then the next best thing is getting a hoecake at Cracker Barrel. It’s a hell of a lot cheaper and it is still delicious, too.